About four years ago, when I received my first advance payment for Love Like That and The One That Never Got Published Because the New Editor Decided It Was Dreck After Reading Only Nine Pages, the first thing I did was invest in a fabulous laptop computer. Oh, the masterpieces I was going to create on this machine–riding on trains and planes, occasionally sitting in (European) coffeehouses, staring out at the sun-sparkling sea from the little cottage I would rent to complete my “summer” manuscript, staring out at the snow-capped mountains from the little cabin I would rent to complete my “winter” manuscript, sitting in the dark with only the glow from the screen to illuminate the room, typing those last few words with tears of joy streaming down my face.

About four years later, I have completed exactly one novel (which does not contain any vampires, hence, lacks the merit to secure literary representation or become published) and have completely f*cked up all previously completed novels, beyond repair, in my repeated attempts to make them more appealing to a commercial audience I’m not sure I’m even a part of, the song I most identify with is “Crazy” by Gnarls Barkley, my inspiration is sparing, I have not a friend in the industry to guide me and now, my keyboard keys are falling off. Ever try writing a novel with no Q, W or X? Sure, they’re not quite standard Wheel of Fortune letters but you’d be surprised at how much the English language actually requires them.

It’s like raaaaaaaaaain on your wedding day
It’s a free riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide when you’ve already paid
It’s the good adviiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice that you just didn’t take
Who would’ve thought… it figuuuuuuuuuuuuuuures